Ch 15: When Writing Gets Scary
In book writing, they say controversy is good. But that's not all it is.
Remember the discussion of controversy as a good thing when it comes to selling books?
Well, I'm not the type who wades into controversy. If you were to ask my opinion on some political issue, I would tell you. But if I thought your opinion was the opposite of mine, I would gently offer my remarks. The more vociferous you’d been in voicing your opinion, the less likely I’d be to weigh in and disagree.
I don't put bumper stickers on my car. I don't express opinions on social media. I don't speak up about much of anything until I've ascertained which side of the fence you're on. Outside of my immediate family, I just don't get into arguments. I rarely confront. And I don't think I'm unusual in this.
You’ll see why, then, the following story is a shocker.
[Editor's Note: This article is Chapter 15 in my serialized spiritual memoir Well Guided: My Life as a Student at the International Academy of God, in which I share some of the many ways God has had a hand in my life. Access previous chapters via the Table of Contents.]
First, a Look-Back
The scariest part of the entire process of writing my first book was the thought of publishing Chapter 5, “Ministry by Monogamy.” Sounds harmless enough, right? It does sound harmless...except this chapter also set out my pro-gay-marriage stance in 2009, when that was still super controversial.
In some ways—especially for those of us not in the LGBTQ community—it’s easy to forget that history now—in 2024— given that same-sex marriage is legal in 36 countries.
Canada legalized same-sex marriage in 2005. But by 2008, even Californians were duking it out over legislation known as Proposition (or Prop) 8—a hotly contested ban on same-sex marriage that had passed a statewide referendum. And religion was behind a lot of the cultural resistance.
In short, in 2009, gay marriage remained illegal throughout most of the states.
I grew up a child of the 60's, who didn’t know many gay people. At least, to my knowledge, not many folks I knew were gay. Sexual orientation just wasn't on my radar. I was pretty judgy in my youth, but my views gradually changed over the decades. I give God the credit for putting people and texts in front of me that ever so slowly moved my thinking from intolerance to advocacy.
People often talk about other people moving the needle for them. And, I know that relationships are key. But a major influence in my journey of acceptance was a website God led me to in 2008. By that time, I was already accepting of gay marriage. This site catapulted me from benign acceptance into advocacy. And that’s a significant shift.
The (now-inaccessible) website religioustolerance (.org) carried article after article that opened my eyes to the arguments, pro and con, surrounding gay marriage. These resources helped me see why homosexuality and homosexual marriage did not deserve the extreme hatred certain segments of American society had been directing their way.
I should add that this was just God getting me warmed up for more insights to follow. But by now, that should not surprise you.
Those Six Pages Again
Remember those six pages of notes God gave me in the middle of the night? Turns out some of that was relevant to Chapter 5. One idea was that we could take the ancient vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience and update them for today, and for every Christian.
Why would I, a non-Catholic, even be mindful of those vows?
Because I had learned to appreciate them. Years earlier, the Spirit had directed me to read all the books First Son had read in a college course called "Search for Values in Light of Western History and Tradition." Some of those works, including The Rule of Saint Benedict and St. Augustine's Confessions, piped some time-tested ideas of ministry and lifestyle into my consciousness.
Now I could see how some ideas in those books were helping me relate to what God was showing me. I realized God had been preparing me to write this book for years.
What was revealed in those six nighttime pages was that the update, if you like, to chastity is monogamy. In other words, the call for those who would profess to follow Christ isn’t the requirement to live a celibate life, but a monogamous life.
You'll recall that the six-page episode happened in February 2009, and I started writing the book in late April, that same year. A few weeks later, after I had rediscovered the six pages, God woke me up in the middle of the night yet again. The message was short. But scary.
At first, the thoughts that poured into my brain that night surprised me. But as the entire teaching unfolded, I could see the value of this new perspective. And, I have to add that I was truly in awe of being entrusted with these insights.
What scared me was what might happen if I shared these words in a public forum. (The internet trolls alone would have a heyday.) Here is the (2-part, uber-scary) message:
The issue of homosexual marriage is just a distraction. Christians have lots more important things they should be working on.
Promiscuity is much more damaging than homosexuality.
Yep. In 2009 those were super-controversial things to say. And if, dear reader, you are super conservative socially, these might still be challenging ideas to entertain.
Now here's the fun part. There was a table, a visual aid. (God knows, literally, I'm a freak for this kind of stuff.):
One thing I had always been taught about receiving divine insights is that you should always, always ask for confirmation on anything of major importance before spreading the message around, or taking action. Fortunately, God was already on top of the whole confirmation thing.
I’d written a brief rough draft of Chapter 5 in May, based on the latest nighttime insights. I wasn't very comfortable with it really, which was fine, because it turns out more material, and confirmation, were on the way.
And in case you’re getting tired of all these dates, trust me, they're important. God was about to put into motion a pretty impressive series of events. Following the timing I spell out here makes the rollout that much more impressive.
So, buckle up. Here we go.
A Series of Fortunate Events
Sunday morning in early June, I was in Sunday School, as usual. I don't remember what we were studying, but I'm sure it wasn't anything to do with gay marriage. For whatever reason, my friend Bonnie mentioned a book she’d read, Improving Your Serve, by Christian author Charles Swindoll. It sounded good, so I made a note about it.
A week later, I found myself driving through my little bitty, two-stop-light South Carolina mill town, about to pass my postage-stamp of a library.
Back then, before the hoopla app came on the scene, I found it challenging to pass the library without stopping for a visit. But on this day, in addition to the usual temptation, a thought popped into my head. (I had been in a close relationship with God long enough to realize that when a thought like this pops into my head, I need to just go with it.)
Here's that thought: The library would be a great place to look for ideas about how to lay out my book. As in how the pages would look and how chapter title pages might be formatted.
I parked, and made a beeline for the library circulation desk. I wasn’t idly browsing. I wasn’t looking for a book to read. I was on a mission. When I asked the familiar, sweet, gray-haired librarian where to find the inspirational books, she obliged by escorting me right to the shelf.
And there, at eye level, was the book Bonnie mentioned. Improving Your Serve.
I thumbed through a few books to see how they were formatted, making mental notes about what I liked and what I didn’t. Then I carefully placed the books back on the return cart. Swindoll's book, however, came home with me.
That night, as I settled into reading it, what grabbed my attention was the chapter where he talks about the NIMH rat experiments of the 50s and 60s. If you've seen the 1982 animated movie, The Secret of NIMH, or read the trilogy by Robert C. O' Brien and his daughter Jane Leslie Conly, then the real-life NIMH experiments will sound familiar. They were the spark of inspiration for those stories.
How odd, I thought, that Swindoll should mention these experiments. I had been thinking about them just a few weeks beforehand.
The Rats of NIMH
Way back in college in the early 1970s, my Psychology 101 textbook went into detail about those experiments, and for some reason, the whole thing made a lasting impression on me. In May 2009, while starting on Chapter 5, I recalled the fact that the researchers had put the rats into an overcrowding situation. And some of the rats had exhibited homosexual behaviors.
This could make an interesting addition to my chapter, I thought. Only I couldn't remember the name of the scientist who had run the experiments. I didn't remember that his work had been sponsored by NIMH. I didn’t even recall that the old psych textbook was gathering dust on the top shelf of a bookcase in my living room.
Now, in mid-June, an unlikely coincidence had led me to the exact tidbit I needed to locate information on the experiments. I was floored. And thrilled.
Here was Charles Swindoll telling me those experiments were performed at NIMH by Dr. John B. Calhoun. Swindoll did not mention that homosexuality was among the behaviors caused by overcrowding. (His book came out in 1981, back when Christians definitely weren't ready to hear this stuff.)
But wait, there's more.
I revisited that rough draft of Chapter 5. If I could find good documentation of Calhoun's experiments, that addition would make my arguments much more persuasive. So, now that Swindoll had told me what to look for, I began my research in earnest, beginning with typing "nimh study overpopulation” into the Google search bar.
The top result? Calhoun's obituary in The New York Times. No mention of homosexuality as one of the behavioral results.
The third listing was for a Wikipedia article on Calhoun. Again, nothing helpful.
Google's ninth listing was for a blog article entitled "Origins of Homosexuality?" Now that sounded promising! But it was the date of publication that left me stunned. The article had been published in two parts, beginning in February 2009. The second part had been published a mere 16 days prior to my curling up with the Swindoll book.
In fact, the second part didn't exist the day I had written the rough draft of Chapter 5. Talk about being divinely led to the right sources at the right time. Wow.
Exactly What I Needed
The articles presented the very question I had been asking myself: in the general public discussion on homosexuality, why hadn't anyone considered Calhoun's experiments?
The blog article, written by someone identified only as kanjo42, contained a link to a paper by Edmund Ramsden and Jon Adams written in January 2008 and slated for publication in Spring 2009. Good scientist that I am, I headed straight for the original paper. Ramsden and Adam had re-examined Calhoun's work, including his findings about some of the rats exhibiting homosexual tendencies once conditions in their confined environment became overcrowded.
Here was exactly the information I needed at the exact moment I needed it. Talk about receiving confirmation that I had gotten the message right! Ramsden and Adams specifically mentioned Calhoun's finding that the “homosexual” rats exhibited behavior that was abnormally creative and adaptive. In other words, the gay rats solved problems the hetero rats could not.
This novel information was a great addition to the arguments I laid out in my chapter.
Never would I have guessed even 6 or 8 weeks earlier that everything I needed to write in Chapter 5 would be so wondrously and methodically handed to me. I retraced the steps that had brought me to that point.
Go to church.
Pay attention.
Respond to promptings.
Do a little internet research.
Follow up with what you find.
In the end? A complete—and relevant—Chapter 5.
Now, here’s something else: the blog (kanjo42.wordpress.com) that led me to the Ramsden and Adams paper is no longer there. Parts of it were archived in the Wayback Machine (Internet Archive). But the kanjo42 pages were captured for archive on May 4, 2009. By the time the Wayback Machine came back around for another look (most likely in 2010), the blog had been removed. Part 1 of the 2-part post (from February 2009) is in the archive, but Part 2 (from June) is forever gone.
That slim, but crucial, bit of information that had popped up in my Google search results—the exact information I needed to finish Chapter 5—was only available for a short window of time. Just when I needed it. Again, wow.
Now, back to the scary part. Was I scared still? I still dreaded the prospect of facing internet trolls, but who doesn’t? Dread is a reasonable response to irrational attacks by faceless trolls. On the other hand, I had just been led, step by step, to the very material I needed to bolster my case.
Some would call that series of events a sign of synchronicity. Others might say I had intuited what steps to take.
Regardless of what you call it, that experience of guidance had given me a new-found confidence.
Maybe, just maybe, things would be OK.
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